Knowing When You Have the Right (or Wrong) Therapist

Off and on for the past decade, I’ve had a therapist. Different ones based on what I needed and where I lived.

Throughout this time, I always assumed I fell somewhere in the middle of the patient spectrum. I suffered from depression for a period, but I generally showed up to my sessions collected with a clear goal in mind. I also assumed I was entitled to a therapist who was engaged in what I was saying.

About seven years ago, I began seeing a new mental health professional. She was referred to me by my insurance company but I should have listened to my instincts from the very first phone call with her She was abrupt and rude when I told her I was feeling depressed. However, I agreed to meet with her anyway.

Here were some of the red flags I encountered with the “wrong” therapist:

Answered her cell phone during a session
Said “I’ve found myself getting bored.”
Persuaded me to keep coming back despite my insistence that it was time to “break up”
Not checking in with me after I sought further treatment she recommended
Encouraged lying

This therapist would often glance longingly at her New York Times crossword puzzle while I was talking. I consistently left those sessions feeling like I was burdening her.

Eventually, I did stop seeing this therapist and found one who made a marked difference in my life. Here’s what she did differently:

Listened to what I actually said
Offered several viewpoints or solutions to consider
Suggested helpful resources and books
Empowered me to take action in my life

While it might seem like a given to ditch a bad therapist, it often takes months or years for people to do it. Finding another therapist can be daunting. From navigating insurance to simply finding a good personality fit isn’t always easy.

And, it can be hard to leave a therapist, even a bad one. Having an awkward conversation about ending your sessions is rarely pleasant. It can feel like another obstacle to beat when you’re already feeling depressed.

Although I’m sure there are worse therapists in the world, my experience left a bad taste in my mouth. I was terribly afraid I’d encounter a similar situation when I found someone new. What if I ended up with another subpar situation? I didn’t have the energy or self-esteem to go through another draining scenario.

My next therapist turned out to be a gem. Within a few months, she proved she could help me change my reactions that were hindering me. That was the most surprising discovery for me. I’d never had a therapist challenge my thought process or allow me to consider options aside from what was blatantly obvious.

Every patient, every therapist and every session is different. Some therapists will be cheerleaders, others will make you think and some will simply listen. You have to find the right fit for your personal needs, but ultimately, a therapist should at least give you respect and attention during your 50-minute hour.